Looking Beyond the Behavior
As my young daughter walked into the room, I could tell something was different. Though she acted as though nothing was amiss, the gap in her hair told the story. Somehow, she had found a pair of scissors and decided to cut her own hair. Trying to hide my frustration, I asked her, “Honey, what happened to your hair?” Without skipping a beat, and as though she fully believed it herself, she said, “Nothing.” For the next few minutes, what unfolded can only be described as a venture into the twilight zone. The gap in her hair and the hair I found in her trash can could only be explained by one hypothesis: she had in fact cut her own hair. But the more I asked, the more she dug in her heels, sticking to her story that nothing had happened. In this moment, I stood there asking myself the same question many caregivers have asked throughout history: Why are they lying, and what can I do about it?
Though I noticed myself escalating and wanting to react, I knew that this is a common behavior and, more importantly, an opportunity to disciple her, love her, and shepherd her heart towards Christ. While lying behavior in kids can be frustrating for caregivers and mentors, we are still called to disciple these children, love these children, and shepherd their hearts toward Christ. To do this effectively, caregivers must understand the root causes of lying in kids and how to address lying from a gospel-centered perspective.
Understanding the Root of Lying
Living in a broken and fallen world guarantees that God’s design of integrity is interrupted by our sin. However, to suppose that all lying simply stems from a child’s rebellious nature is to flatten a complex topic unduly. There are a couple of factors that must be considered, through a gospel-centered lens, to be able to approach these triggering behaviors with the necessary compassion to step into discipleship rather than dysregulation.
1. Lying is a developmental milestone. Though sinful, it’s developmentally appropriate for children to experience this and actually a clue that something positive is beginning to happen at a cognitive and moral level. Jeremy Smith points out that this behavior in children indicates that young children are acquiring the ability to distinguish their own beliefs, intents, desires, and knowledge from the beliefs, intents, desires, and knowledge of others. This is positive, necessary growth that usually manifests itself in testing boundaries through lying and other means. Developmentally appropriate does not excuse the sin but gives us empathy and calm as we move forward in our aim to point the child to the One who can exact change and draw them close to Himself.
2. Lying is a survival mechanism. Our bodies are designed in such a way that they adapt to the environment to maintain safety. Experiencing fear, neglect, or abuse often responds in such a way to obtain safety (whether that be felt-safety or physical safety). This is a good thing, designed by a good God. However, along with all of creation, this good design became compromised by the all-encompassing effects of sin. This means that safety is obtained in many cases with sinful behavior, such as manipulation and lying. Being a safe space for the child and pointing the child to Christ, in which we have ultimate safety, remains our goal as we navigate the tricky territory of experiencing lying behavior.
While lying may be developmentally appropriate and a protective mechanism, lying is still problematic and should be addressed. However, harsh or heavy-handed punishment will likely serve only to increase the behavior we are attempting to curb and leave the child lacking a better understanding of the Savior who will make all things right again. To address lying effectively requires a Gospel-centered approach that aims to transform the heart rather than simply squash the behavior.
A Gospel-Centered Approach
As Christ-followers, we are called to reflect the love of Jesus, including during challenging interactions with a lying child. Here are several strategies for addressing lying in a way that reflects the gospel of Christ and steers the hearts of children toward Him.
1. Create a Safe Space: Jesus often met people where they were, creating an environment of safety and acceptance. By providing a nurturing and non-judgmental space, you can encourage children to express their thoughts and feelings. Let them know they are loved unconditionally, which mirrors the love of Christ. This approach helps children feel secure enough to open up about their behavior and why they felt the need to lie.
2. Model Honesty: As caregivers, we are role models. Demonstrate honesty in your own life, sharing age-appropriate stories where you made mistakes or had to confess. By showing vulnerability, you teach children that everyone struggles with honesty at times, but we can seek forgiveness and grow from our experiences.
3. Explore Underlying Feelings: Instead of simply addressing the lie, dig deeper into what the child may be feeling. Ask open-ended questions that encourage reflection: “What were you feeling when you chose not to tell the truth?” or “What were you afraid would happen if you told me the truth?” This approach acknowledges their feelings and experiences and provides an opportunity for them to understand what triggered their lie, and how they might respond in a God-honoring manner in the future.
4. Encourage Responsibility: Once a child is ready to admit to lying, guide them through the process of taking responsibility. Encourage them to think about the impact of their actions on others, fostering empathy. This process mirrors the call to repentance and reconciliation that we see throughout Scripture. Reinforce that making amends is a vital part of spiritual growth.
5. Focus on Restoration, Not Punishment: Just as Christ seeks to restore and redeem rather than condemn, our goal should be restoration rather than punishment. While boundaries and consequences are important, they should be framed within the context of love and discipleship. Encourage the child to make things right with those affected by their dishonesty. This mirrors the redemptive nature of the gospel, where we are offered forgiveness and a chance to start anew.
6. Pray Together: Prayer can be a powerful tool in addressing lying behavior. Invite the child to pray with you, asking for God’s help in being honest and for the courage to share their feelings. This not only fosters a sense of community but also helps children understand that they are not alone in their struggles.
Conclusion
Addressing lying behavior in children requires a trauma-informed approach that reflects the heart of the gospel. Armed with an understanding of some of the root causes of lying behavior, we are equipped to respond to lying with empathy and compassion. And the good news of Jesus provides a framework for redemptive correction that transforms rather than just punishes. Perhaps most importantly, let us remember the grace we have received through Jesus Christ and extend that same grace to the children in our care. Together, we can help them grow into honest, faithful individuals who reflect the love of Christ in their lives.
Written by Tiffany Raley
Formerly a counselor at WinShape Homes, Tiffany is now a licensed professional counselor and private practice owner.
Work Cited
1. Smith, J. A. (2017, February 8). What’s Good About Lying? Greater Good Magazine. https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/whats_good_about_lying
